Active Forgiveness
The Deeper the Hurt, The More Active the Forgiveness
Just forgive and forget. At some point many of us have had a well-intentioned person in our life says these words The idea, that simply saying you forgive someone who really hurt you is the thing that will bring about healing and allow you to move forward in your life. People engage in this notion of forgiveness the way that someone who has a headache takes Tylenol, without much active thinking. They believe that if they said the words, “I forgive you” their relational pain and wounds will be miraculously healed. Unfortunately, many who approach forgiveness this way feel let down, confused and resentful when they come to realize that their pain has not gone away. Through this confusion, bitterness can take a stronger root; I say stronger root because anytime you experience relational wounds, bitterness is right there waiting to spread like a virus and corrupt any healthy thinking you have.
Forgiveness is weakness. This unfortunately is the more dominant understanding of how our culture looks at forgiveness. This is not a virtue that is seen as an admirable or imitable quality. Many people subscribe to the idea that if someone hurts you, you get revenge on them. Popular culture (e.g. tv shows, movies, self-help books, secular psychology, etc) would have you believe that the act of forgiveness is an admission that what was done to you was ok, as well as forgiving someone makes you weak. Unsurprisingly many hold to this view of forgiveness. They believe that their autonomy and sovereignty was damaged when someone close, hurt them and to simply forgive would be treacherous to their authority and independence. Despite the increase in messaging from churches and biblical counselors to engage in forgiveness as it pertains to relational hurt, people are much more inclined to take the path of revenge. This path, all too often, leads to bitterness. Most of us, when we have experienced relational wounds don’t have the boldness to get confront the perpetrators of their hurt; For the few of us that do get confrontational, very rarely is it done in a healthy and reparative manner. The more common response to being deeply wounded is to be passive aggressive or to use a better understood term, “to give someone the cold shoulder”. This tactic is not thought through rationally, but rather it is a defensive reaction to the hurt and the individual that caused the hurt. If confronted on their passive aggressiveness, very seldom would someone be able to give a convincing and coherent argument for why they are behaving the way that they are. It is simply understood in our modern day that passive aggressiveness is an acceptable relational boundary strategy when dealing with wounds and when it is put in that context, bitterness takes root and obfuscates what the real problem is; we are a deeply wounded culture with no idea how to heal and an unwillingness to forgive.
Forgiveness is not saying that what was done to you was ok, but rather an acknowledgement that something terrible was done and that you are choosing to not hold who hurt you in condemnation anymore. This is not the same as the “forgive and forget” model. In that model, forgiveness is seen as static, meaning its fixed and unchanging. It is seen as a one-time event that is never to be revisited, because once someone has decided to forgive the one who hurt them, there can’t be additional feelings of bitterness and resentment. Under this model, you say it to feel better about yourself, and your situation so you move on with your life. The problem with this model, other than it being completely ineffective, is it does nothing to address the heart and it denies how any human being realistically works through hurt. You can forgive someone and still be haunted by what they did to you and have to work through the emotions and feelings that are associated. That is why I say forgiveness is a matter of the heart, not simply a behavior. It is both an action and a state of being. When dealing with forgiveness, you are handling your heart; that is why I believe it is more accurate to look at forgiveness as a static and dynamic action. But even before we can get to a place of implementing forgiveness in our lives, we should be seeking to understand it deeply by examining scripture.
Where does forgiveness come from? In short, it comes from God and more specifically we see forgiveness in human form in Jesus Christ. John 3:16 says this, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” Colossians 3:13 says, “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Ephesians 4:32 says, “And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” If you’ve spent much time in scripture you get an image of a God who desires to forgive and be in relationship with his people. Ed Whelch is his blog article, “Preaching Forgiveness” says this about God’s forgiving nature, “Scripture’s emphasis is that the triune God is inclined, by his very nature, to forgive. That is his resting state. His plan has always been to turn his wrath away from us and onto another, and he does this as an expression of his character rather than a response to our contrition.”
Forgiveness comes from God and is an act of love. God forgave us for our sinful transgressions through the sacrifice of Jesus. God was not ok with our sin, to put it simply; but he was also not ok being separated from us. God forgiving us is not him saying that he’s ok with our sin, but it is him saying he will not hold us in condemnation anymore. Romans 8:1 says, “therefore now there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus.” To truly forgive, you must understand what sin is, what you were forgiven for, and why it was necessary for Christ to die. This is why I say forgiveness is a heart position. When the reality of your sin and depravity is fully made known to you in only a way that God can reveal to you, it changes you, it humbles you, it melts your icy heart. This reality lives within your new heart, not as something that is meant to condemn you and you need to pay God back for, but as something that drives you to engage with and entertain forgiveness more readily and put to death bitterness more quickly.
Being bitter at the one who hurt you is like drinking poison but expecting them to die. Bitterness only hurts the one who is bitter and robs the life of its owner. Jesus is the one who made it possible for us to forgive those that wrong us. We are incapable of forgiving on our own; without Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit our hearts would wish death and destruction upon anyone who inflict hurt upon us. Without a new heart we are inescapably lost. But even with a new heart, while that is a necessary ingredient, not all relational hurts can be treated as equal. Sexual trauma is not the same as being called an insulting name. Divorce is not the same as you co-worker lying and taking credit for work. While the bible is clear on forgiveness, there is a reality that we all deal with regularly and that is there are big and small hurts. Smaller hurts may take less effort and less time to forgive, while bigger hurts may take longer to deal with. Something I’ve encountered in my counseling practice quite often is the individual who’s been so deeply wounded by a relationship that the idea of forgiveness is laughable. It’s important to understand that the deeper the relational wound, the more active the forgiveness will have to be. When I say active, I’m referring to this idea of forgiveness being static and dynamic. Initially forgiveness is an action that needs to be initiated (static) by the hurt individual and then periodically revisited (dynamic) by the same hurting individual. In as much as forgiveness is love and grace, it is also work. To forgive well requires an individual to have their vertical relationship with Christ front and center and it is only through this realignment and prioritization that healing comes to the hurting individual. The act of forgiveness does not bring about healing upon its own, but rather the heart of forgiveness focuses so intently upon the beauty of Christ and what he did for you, that healing takes place. Tim Lane from Christian Counseling Education Foundation points out that forgiveness is a supernatural work of God’s grace when we are gripped by his love.
Today Christ is calling you and inviting you to forgive someone in your life, to throw off the chains of bitterness and have a new heart that is only possible through his life, death, burial, and resurrection. If you hear his voice today, humble yourself and respond.
Christian Bringolf