Is Marriage Rigged Against Men? A Biblical Response to Modern Male Fears
Is the deck stacked against men in marriage?
Men are retreating from marriage in increasing numbers. The warning “Don’t get married” is getting louder, echoed by celebrities like Andrew Tate, who calls marriage a trap, scam, or bad deal for men, and Andrew Wilson, who often focuses on feminism’s role in its decline.
The message that marriage is high risk and low reward resonates with many men because of their personal experiences—how they’ve been treated by women, legal bias, cultural shaming, or stories of loss. These concerns often reflect real issues. But for Christian men, the answer is not to abandon marriage out of fear. We need a renewed vision shaped by Scripture and the gospel.
Why are men so disillusioned with marriage today?
Modern culture, especially over the last five years, has increasingly viewed societal issues through a victimhood lens—an oppressed/oppressor framework. Feminism, in whatever wave we’re currently in, often says women are oppressed by men and implies men cannot be trusted or respected.
In an interview with John Anderson Media, Katy Faust of Them Before Us (a children’s rights organization) said, “Young men know that the progressives hate them.” With feminism tied to progressive ideology, many men feel the hostility, internalize it, and grow suspicious and disillusioned toward women and marriage.
What role do divorce laws play in men’s fears of marriage?
Most of us know couples who have gone through divorce. Divorce is destructive—relationally and practically. In my 17 years of facilitating marriage and family therapy, I’ve never had a client in the midst of divorce tell me how wonderful the process felt. Divorce is relational death and the disentangling of a couple’s financial, parental, and sexual lives.
In 1969, Governor Ronald Reagan signed No-Fault Divorce into law in California, allowing spouses to divorce for any reason without proving wrongdoing. Reagan later said he considered this his “greatest regret.”
Today, the stats feed the fear:
69% of divorces are initiated by women (31% by men).
Only 3% of men receive alimony (97% goes to women).
Fathers receive full custody in just 17% of cases.
Forty-one states plus D.C. use an “equitable” property division model, which doesn’t default to 50/50. Nine states use “community property” laws that often result in equal division.
These realities aren’t paranoia—they’re facts. But for Christians, fear of statistics should not be the primary driver in deciding whether to marry.
Do Christian men experience the same fear?
That depends on how you define “Christian.” Some men call themselves Christian because they grew up in a Christian culture, but they don’t practice the core tenets of the faith—adhering to sound doctrine, attending church, reading Scripture, praying regularly, and engaging in Christian fellowship.
In a 2008 study, Barna found that divorce rates among nominal Christians were similar to or higher than non-Christians, while evangelical Christians had a rate around 26%. The likely reason for this difference is how marriage is viewed. Practicing Christians tend to engage more in discipleship, which leads to gospel transformation. Gospel transformation changes what a couple puts their hope in and how they handle marital problems. Faith in name only won’t protect a marriage—living out the gospel will.
What about feminism—has it distorted marriage, or are we misplacing the blame?
Since the 1960s, feminism has shaped legislation and redefined cultural institutions. Laws like No-Fault Divorce (1969) and Orr v. Orr (1979) show its influence. Some argue that second-wave feminism laid the groundwork for redefining gender, marriage, and family—culminating in the 2015 Supreme Court decision Obergefell v. Hodges.
Critics say feminism has undermined traditional marriage roles and family structures, fueling disillusionment in young men. While these critiques may be valid, stopping there misses deeper issues like sin, male disengagement, and a lack of sacrificial leadership.
Red-pill culture offers blame. The gospel offers transformation.
Some Christian men try to escape the legal risks by skipping the government altogether—is that biblical?
Some men argue for spiritual-only marriage: “We don’t need the state; just God.” On the surface, given the laws that seem to favor women, this might sound wise. But often, this view is driven by fear of injustice and distrust of the legal system.
Biblically, marriage is public and covenantal. We see this in Ruth 4, Proverbs 2:17, and Matthew 19. Romans 13 affirms God’s use of government for justice, and 1 Peter commands believers to be subject to human institutions for the Lord’s sake.
Avoiding legal marriage removes public accountability and legal protection, and risks putting us outside God’s design.
What kind of man is God calling us to be in the face of fear and cultural pressure?
When marriage is portrayed as dangerous or unfair, the natural response is to pull back. But God hasn’t called us to live naturally—He’s called us to live faithfully.
In Scripture, the men God used didn’t wait for perfect conditions. Abraham left security because God told him to. David faced Goliath with no guarantee except God’s promise. They weren’t playing it safe; they were trusting God.
Fear asks, “What will this cost me?”
Faith asks, “What has God called me to do?”
That means rejecting two wrong responses to our cultural moment:
Withdrawal — staying out of marriage to keep control.
Domination — getting married but using it to protect your own power.
Both are rooted in self-protection, not Christlike sacrifice. Ephesians 5:25 calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church—sacrificially, not transactionally.
Yes, there are broken laws. Yes, marriage will make you vulnerable. But those are not reasons to run—they’re reasons to show the world what covenant love looks like.
The real question isn’t, “Is marriage worth the risk?”
It’s, “Will I follow Christ’s example, even when it costs me?”
So, what does it mean to move from fear into gospel-formed engagement?
Marriage carries risk. You might get hurt. You might lose what you’ve worked for. You might be betrayed. But following Jesus is risky too—the cross wasn’t safe, but it was worth it.
Christian men can’t see marriage like the culture does—as a trap or a gamble to avoid unless the odds are stacked in their favor. Marriage isn’t about playing the odds—it’s about living on mission.
Marriage is a place to:
Serve — not only when it benefits you, but when it costs you.
Grow — allowing God to expose your selfishness and shape you into Christ’s likeness.
Reflect Christ — so your covenant love points people to His covenant love.
This vision turns marriage from a risk to manage into a calling to embrace. It stops being about what you might lose and starts being about what you’ve been called to give.
If the only “wisdom” you’re applying is self-preservation, you’re not leading in faith—you’re living in fear. And fear is a terrible compass for a Christian man.
What should we take away from all this?
Yes, the system has flaws. Courts can be unfair. Laws can be broken. But the gospel is flawless, and God’s design for marriage hasn’t failed.
Men shaped by fear will retreat into self-protection. Men shaped by Christ will reform what’s broken and live out marriage as God intended.
Marriage is not a scam—it’s a living testimony of Christ and His Church. The world needs to see that. Your wife needs to see that.
So don’t let fear drive you out of God’s design. Step into marriage with your eyes open, your heart anchored in the gospel, and your hands ready to serve.
Don’t fear marriage. Redeem it.
Christian Bringolf MA LMHC